Jacqueline Markey didn’t originally intend to share her pregnancy loss with over two million people. But in an August 18 TikTok documenting her daily runs, she wound up sharing with viewers that her baby was incompatible with life (due to a condition called triploidy). Initially, “I thought it would be fun to use running as a way to document the progress of my pregnancy, never imagining it would end in loss,” Markey tells Popsugar via email.
“When I push myself physically, it resets me mentally.”
The viral TikTok starts on a high note, with Markey excitedly running at five weeks pregnant. Around the 12-week mark, she mentions some concerns about her baby’s health, adding that she was getting a scan to check for any issues. “Anxiety makes you feel small. Running makes you feel big,” she tells the camera mid-run.
As a runner since middle school, Markey is no stranger to the mental benefits of movement. “Running reminds me that I’m capable of hard things,” she explains to PS. “When I push myself physically, it resets me mentally.” Viewers can see her leaning on this ethos throughout her TikTok, especially when — two days after learning of her baby’s diagnosis — Markey reappears on camera, this time walking and dressed in black telling the camera the baby has several features not compatible with life. At first, Markey wasn’t sure if she’d share or continue the series. “I decided to record the update and stick with the video in case [I got] the courage to upload it later.” And eventually, she did. “[I] am trying to get outside while I still process this,” Markey says in the video. It’s powerful to see her showing up in this way. She’s still moving forward, just at a different pace — a sentiment that goes far beyond running.
“Grief makes you feel like time is standing still. It puts everything into a fog, and it can be hard to feel optimistic,” Markey tells PS. For her, running is an important part of self care, but also one of the many tools she’s using to navigate her loss. “Medicine, therapy, food, community, and exercise all work together,” Markey says. It’s a solid combination, but it doesn’t automatically make everything better.
“The loss will always hurt, and I’ll always mourn my son.”
“While running helps me stay positive and productive through grief, it doesn’t take away the pain,” she says. “The loss will always hurt, and I’ll always mourn my son.” Those who have experienced loss know she’s right — grief doesn’t just vanish into thin air. You sit with it, live with it, and sometimes even make peace with it. It doesn’t go away, but that’s not always a bad thing. Sometimes it’s even nice to be reminded.
These days, Markey goes on what she calls “grief runs,” training for a half marathon in an effort to (literally) keep moving through her grief. The pain is always there, but there are pockets of sweetness too. Things that help her keep going. “One of my favorite parts of running has been looking for butterflies,” Markey tells PS. “I look for my heavenly son in monarchs. I’ve had a few follow me, and I’d like to think that we’re running together again for a short while.”
Chandler Plante (she/her) is a social producer and staff writer for the Health & Fitness team at Popsugar. She has over five years of industry experience, previously working as an editorial assistant for People magazine, a social media manager for Millie magazine, and a contributor for Bustle Digital Group. She has a degree in magazine journalism from Syracuse University and is based in Los Angeles.
