All photos courtesy of Julio Torres.
Welcome to Seek Help, a column where we enlist our wisest and weirdest friends to give us answers to life’s most impossible questions. For the latest installment, we tapped our favorite Salvadoran comedian Julio Torres to dispense advice on some spiral-worthy situations, following the release of his new comedy special Color Theories. Below, he shares some pointers on coming out, flirting in Spanish, and coexisting with ghosts.
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A week after I came out as a lesbian, my dad came out as bisexual. Is he purposely trying to reheat my nachos?
Pride and joy are not a limited resource. It is not a cake where if someone takes some of the cake, that means that there’s less cake for you. However, it seems like you haven’t been made to feel that way. And I would inspect why that is upsetting to you. Why is there a week-long embargo on other people coming out after you’ve come out? What is the dynamic between you and your family that has made you feel like when you have exciting news, someone wants to steal your thunder, as it were, or to use your term, “reheat your nachos”. I think there are enough nachos for everyone. And I don’t think he’s reheating your nachos. I think that perhaps your father has his own nachos. And there’s enough for everyone.
What should I put in my job application for a comedy writer position?
I have no idea. I don’t think I have ever succeeded at getting a job via an application. Name. Last name. Unless you’re using a pseudonym. Thanks with an exclamation point at the end of it. The jobs that I’ve gotten have been from exposure to my work. So maybe focus on living a beautiful life away from your job application with things that you’re proud of.
What’s the quickest way to learn Spanish so I can get fine Latino trade on my trip to El Salvador?
Memes are accidental language flashcards where you understand the nuances of the humor in a culture, so I would find meme accounts. If I could offer a tip, there’s a phrase that’s used in El Salvador for when you’re walking around shops. The shop owners will say, “Pase y vea sin compromiso,” which means “take a look without commitment.” That applies while flirting, too. It’s like, “Take a look, no commitment necessary. If you like something, let me know. But if not, you can keep walking.”
I never get along with my fellow gays. What’s wrong with me?
I have insufficient data to answer this question because I don’t know you, so I can’t assess what is wrong with you. I also don’t know the gays that you’re attempting to befriend, so I can’t attest to whether that is a them problem or a you problem. But I would say that you shouldn’t feel obligated to get along with any group specifically and just find joy where you organically fit in.
My friend always starts hitting on me when we’re drunk. How do I tell them I’m not into them without ruining the friendship?
Your friend is already ruining the relationship by hitting on you when they’re drunk and it would behoove you to be honest with them if this is a friendship that you’re actually invested in maintaining. If this person also wants to genuinely be your friend then this is feedback that they’ll appreciate, hopefully.
I think my apartment is haunted, but the rent is super cheap. How can I expel the ghosts?
Your rent is super cheap because your apartment is haunted. You can’t have your cake and eat it too, okay? If you expel the ghosts, that means you’re expelling the deceased who are making your rent cheaper because you are a sub-letter of the ghosts. Now, how can you get rid of them? Evicting them is not on the table. I think you have to learn how to coexist and make this the best you can. Or if it feels like it’s untenable because they’re eating your food or whatever, then I would just find a new apartment.
