All photos courtesy of Ryan O’Connell.
Welcome to Seek Help, a column where we enlist our wisest and weirdest friends to answer life’s most impossible questions. For the latest installment, we turned to Ryan O’Connell, the mind behind the hit Netflix series Special. His latest book, Inspiration Porn, is a collection of essays on sex, disability, and the peculiar experience of living the high life in L.A. Who better to field the burning questions of Interview readers? Below, O’Connell dispenses wisdom on virgins, looksmaxxing, and retirement homes.
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I’m a 27-year-old virgin, wondering if I should just get it over with or keep holding out for the right person. HELP.
Honey, the first cut is the deepest. Just get it over with. It’s really not that deep. It’s just you’re getting in your head about it and you just need to have it. Realize sex is kind of random and winky face emoji and just move on.
Where in LA can I find a gay man who actually wants to be monogamous? Sincerely, someone tired of getting duped into open relationships.
I can’t stress enough that I’m not the person to give you advice on this because I am as open as one can be. Do you never want to be open? And if not, what’s wrong with you? I don’t understand. Here’s the deal: Most men want to be closed for at least a few years, which is so brave of them. I love when a guy I’m having sex with gets a boyfriend. It’s like, “I’m sorry, I can’t hook up with you anymore. I’m monogamous.” And then literally I set a timer and two years go by and like a sneaker drop at Supreme, they become open and we’re railing again. So in terms of finding guys who never want to fuck other people, honey, you might want to explore being straight.
My 15-year-old brother, who was once so sweet, is slowly falling down the looksmaxxing pipeline. How do I get him out of this before it’s too late?
Honey, the kids are not all right. I don’t know what to say. Honestly, my bones turned to crushed ice thinking about this generation. I don’t know what to do with ’em. I would basically give him books to read, maybe take him out for a walk, touch grass, as they say. Also, is he already hot? Because that helps. You know what I mean? If he’s not hot, then I almost see why he’s looksmaxxing and honestly, I have to take his side.
I looked through my boyfriend’s porn history and the girls in the videos look nothing like me. Am I justified in confronting him about this? What should I say?
Ok, said with love, I’m literally calling Cedars [Sinai] to see if there’s available beds for you. Who cares if he’s jerking off to women who don’t look like you? Here’s the deal. The guys I fuck outside my relationship don’t look anything like my boyfriend. They’re all like 55 years old with massive tits, and it’s because why would I eat what I can get at home? It makes total sense.
My friend has been letting me sleep on her couch for the past three months while I save up for a place of my own. Recently her dog ate my airpods… How do I tell her she needs to replace them?
Wait, what? No, babe. She’s not replacing them. Wait, let me make sure I’m reading this correctly. You’re staying there rent-free, honey. Buy her AirPods! My boyfriend’s laughing. He loved that one.
I want to write a memoir, but I might be the most boring person who ever lived. What should I fill the pages with?
This is why people go online. It’s a graveyard of unpublished authors. Just go do front-facing camera work and that will be good enough, okay?
The only way I can cum during sex with my girlfriend is by thinking of my celebrity crush. What does this mean?
Oh, honey, it doesn’t mean anything. It just means you’re not sexually attracted to your partner.
What’s the best place to go cruising for DL trade in L.A.?
The Brentwood Country Mart.
How soon is too soon to start thinking about what retirement homes to put my parents in? They’re really starting to piss me off.
I don’t know. Is your dad hot? I would love to help. Literally, retirement communities, that’s where I meet the guys I fuck outside my relationship. I love. Yeah, basically it’s never too soon. Get them in stat.
