Ivy Wolk wears Bra, Shorts, and Cuffs R&M LEATHERS. Hat Alias Costume.
When Ivy Wolk stopped by our office to shoot for the September issue, she did not hold back.
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I’m a big consumer of, as they call it, ponk content. Ponk is this new word for Black gay guys. It came out of Atlanta, and there’s a lot of wonderful internet videos of ponks outside places like Bulldogs, talking amongst themselves. There’s a fun trend where they go, “Do your trade voice, now do your ponk voice.” I also love the stud videos. Atlanta studs are in another league. They’re really perfecting what it means to be a gay person in 2026. The ingenuity is truly shocking. Then you see the white gays there, on meth and causing problems, and they’re boring. A white gay guy came up to me at Blake’s on the Park, tears in his eyes, crying, drunk as a skunk, and he goes, “When I see your work onscreen, it inspires me to love myself more.” And then he goes, “By the way, what’s your name?” Didn’t know who I was. Then a guy who was high on meth was like, “I need a phone charger.” I was like, “I’m not giving it to you. You’re going to chew through it.” Because he will eat it and swallow it. I feel like a prized pig, darling. They’re addicted to my fucking puss. Me suffering, walking in these shoes. Are you down for the dolls, darling? Are you here for the dolls, darling? Tartare. Fresh tuna. Bootleg tuna. These shoes are agonizing to wear, but they’re fierce. I love you, my constituents. I’m hobbling in these heels. Where can I ash this ho? I’m primarily a vape queen. I got off cigarettes and became a vaper, and now I kind of do both. But primarily it’s vape, morning, noon, and night. I think I smoked a cigarette for the first time when I was like 15. No, I was 16. I was at a house party, and I was wearing a Betsey Johnson dress, opened the buttons down the front, double-breasted, black with white stripes, cream stripes, fishnet tights with spiderwebs on them, holes ripped in the tights, Dr. Martens. I had red hair cut into a shag. It was short in the front and longer in the back and layered and bangs. I was wearing purple lipstick. I took a photo of myself holding the cigarette because I knew it would be iconography one day. Mine were Camel Blues, the first one. Then I was smoking Parliaments, then I went to Marlboro Reds, then I went to Lights, then back to Reds, then to Camel Crush Menthols. Then I went to Newports. And Newports are my primary now. If I’m buying, it’s Newports. [REDACTED], who just broke my heart, got me back addicted to cigarettes. I started smoking cigarettes again, and then he quit because he said they were affecting his voice. He told me he only wants to communicate with me via the post, so I’m waiting on a letter, because these are the situations you get yourself into when you’re a girl like me. To the indie men in New York, I say, get a grip. You’re not monks, you’re not sea captains. Solitude is not the key to your secret sauce. The spice of life is connection. That’s how to be a real artist. Meld with another person. I dare you. Speak when you’re in public. Don’t just look kind of faggy and slight in a corner. The center does not hold. Communicate-with-people challenge. Don’t just stand there all willowy and wait for bitches to approach the bench. There will always be a bitch to approach the bench that should not. To the bitches approaching the bench, I say good luck. I say, diva, good fucking luck because that dick is going to tear you a new one. You think you got three holes down there, bitch, get ready for a fourth, and it’s in your heart. Right through the center, like a bullet went through it. Tea is your essence, your aura, your oeuvre. Initially, tea was gossip. It was like, oh, what’s the tea? But it’s come to mean you embody the gossip. You are the tea. What’s the tea? Your tea. Hotif. Ho motif. Homo teeth. He loves these homo teeth, chile. But yeah, so I did get dumped after a whirlwind situationship with [REDACTED]. And bleep his name. Here’s the thing, we got Deuxmoi’d together the day he broke up with me and people on Reddit were like, “There’s no way he would fuck her.” Some people even said, “If I found out he fucked her, I would lose respect for him and his work.” Because I guess I’m Miss Low Culture over here. Miss Fucking Sleazy Trash, Miss Ryan Murphy University over fucking here. Ryan Murphy University summa cum laude. I have a letter coming. I went to my P.O. box to check for it today. Wasn’t there. And that’s the gag of this season: I actually don’t know if he knows how to send a letter. I do know cursive. That’s the one thing. Can’t tell time on a clock. Can’t ride a bicycle, can’t drive a car. Swimming, it’s rough. But I can do cursive. That part. I’m out here in Wyoming. You know the YouTuber Jeffree Star? Jeffree Star to me is somebody who, when I was a teenager, I would smoke weed and feel like I needed to masturbate when I watched his videos, and I didn’t understand why. Fierce is fierce, bitch. It was a chilly winter, let’s just say that. It was a nippy winter. Let’s just say I left it with frostbite on my taint. And they’re real. My nipples are that high. Agent Provocateur from the Tara Subkoff sale in a size 32A, too small, tightened all the way, pulled down. There’s no cups in that bra. It’s just lace and then the underwire. Underwire, tight bra, Los Angeles Apparel cheesecloth tank top pulled down so the lace is exposed and the whole cleavage is out. I looked completely and totally Mexican with how Rubenesque I was. Kat Dennings has huge jugs. My friend Megan has huge jugs, but she’s not famous. She’s just a chick I know. She’s a little famous on Gooner Twitter. And in the alternative comedy world of girls that hang out with straight guys but do alternative comedy, she and I are kind of two of the last ones left. Now she has an all-female friend group, so I’m the only one carrying the torch. I don’t mind a gooner because I’m like, I don’t want you to fuck me. I just let him goon because I’m like, you’re here to hear my ideas and buy me water at the deli. Somebody on Reddit said I had a long and low ass and I do that fat millennial girl thing where I dress like Bettie Page to assuage my midness. That was true, because I do that, completely and totally. I do have that in me, that ModCloth.com rockabilly-ass sensibility. Unfortunately, I channel that because there’s a lot of bells and whistles that need to be applied to me to have the world chew on the cud I’m giving. The puddy get merp, and the puddy don’t play about Sleater-Kinney. That’s what the puddy giving. Take this down to Sleater-Kinney. Puss, puss, puss, puss, puss. Real trade for my trade friends. What is it? Real champagne for my real friends? I know my way around the cross section between Derpina Avenue and Merp Face Street. Album wasn’t selling. Rent was due. Dad died. She had one chance. I’m holding onto this piano bench with my labia right now. You know how sticky it gets. I still wear the KMFDM shirt and I still sometimes don’t shower. I have my roots. I know where home is. He knows where home is. [REDACTED], come back to the bad girl of alternative comedy. You know where home is. The Cantrell ship has left the harbor. I can only be a quirk chungus for me and bear trade. Are you loving Michael Jackson? He is spooky, spooky. He really is a scary, scary mofo. I can’t believe they just let him walk around looking like that and acting like that. I keep telling Mackenzie we need to go as Michael and Liz Taylor for Halloween, but she’s like, I have to be sexy on Halloween. So instead we’re doing Roxie and Velma from Chicago. Bitch, I wanted to serve AIDS-era Liz Taylor. It’s just that she would have to be Michael and I would have to be Liz, with her fried hair piled atop her head like a plate of spaghetti, fat as a house. Liz Taylor fat-as-a-house challenge. I love my muscle relaxers. Tizanidine. I have pretty bad insomnia, and I tried a litany of sleeping medications. Tizanidine is the only one that knocks me out successfully. I’ve gone through the whole Rolodex of benzos, which I can’t take anymore on account of I’m addicted to them. If you take Xanax anywhere else besides the plane, you’re up Schitt’s Creek without a paddle. I went to Xanax University. I didn’t play about that shit. It was crazy. I was Xan-fried. Many would argue I still am, but I do think I’ve made a full cognitive recovery. How I got addicted? I took a whole bottle of dog Valium in one week. At one point I think I took 60 Ativan in 10 days. I was really high all the time. I loved it. I would do it to ride the bus. I would pop pills and get on the bus. Just doing normal-ass shit like riding the bus, going to the grocery store, staring at lettuce for 45 minutes. Seeing bugs moving in the lettuce, going, “That bug is totally tea, and it’s in my skin as well.” I’m a G girl. I’ll do it over the course of a night, like two milliliters. I’m very demure with the G. I’ll do G, but I do it to chill. It’s like a chiller for me. I’m doing G to sit on the couch and laugh. I’m not doing G to go twerk. Molly, I like. I like to smoke a little DMT now and then because if I’m watching a TV show, I think I’m in the show when I smoke DMT, and that is really fun. I went into Mad Men last time I did it. My friends all say that [REDACTED] will come back to me. They say he’s going to make his grand return. I don’t think so. I think he’s one of those guys that thinks he’s Don Draper and he’s addicted to being a monk. And now I have no man at all. It’s extra humiliating because it’s summer. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but nobody has dick this summer. The problem is pussy’s always looking for dick. And the thing about guys is when they leave you, there’s another pussy ready to fit around that fucking mold. There’s another pussy ready to stretch itself over because pussy’s always out here looking for dick. Dick ain’t really looking for pussy that much. We’re in a dick and pussy shortage, but pussy’s always looking for dick. And the dick is lackadaisical about the pussy. The dick don’t care about being in the pussy. The dick’s going, “Whatever, I could eat.” And the pussy’s going, “You’re my father.” President Trump, what do you plan to do about men being mad lackadaisical about pussy? Every pussy wants a dick. Not every dick wants a pussy. People are not actually penetrating each other with genitals anymore. That’s out. It’s cheugy. Before [REDACTED], I was with a millennial for a year. Of course, the millennial classic: He put that dick in the puddy. I was like, “You don’t understand. I’m a young ho. We don’t do this where I’m from. In West Ticklesburg, where I’m from, we don’t play like that.” But he was insistent, so we only ever did just regular-degular. I’m having the Sunday morning cartoons playing in my head, feeling the back of my hair rub up against the pillowcase. I’m going, “When was the last time this was washed?” I sit up post-missionary and there’s feathers in my hair. There’s a hole ripped in the pillow because of how hard the back of my head has been abrading from the fucking missionary-style, boring millennial bullshit he put me through. And now I’m here at the Interview office. Penis-less. I turn my pockets out. Everybody goes, “Oh, Ivy, you’ve got penis.” I flipped my pockets inside out. “Oh, I don’t even got it on me right now. I don’t know where it went. I lost it in the wash.” Must have misplaced it somewhere. Can’t find it. Oh, the dick? The dick I cherished? Yeah, I can’t fucking find it. Put your pussy on the phone. Let me talk to it. We need to have a chat. Peter Thiel Association. Officer, please. They killed my pussy. They killed her. Officer, please. Oh, please. Detective, detective, please. You’ve got to find out what happened to my pussy. Please. They killed my pussy, but her emails, people. Her emails.
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Hair: Kabuto Okuzawa using Oribe Hair Care at The Wall Group.
Makeup: Frankie Boyd using Tom Ford and Gucci Beauty at Streeters.
Nails: Nori Yamanaka using Dior Vernis at See Management.
Market Director: Lucy Gaston.
Set Design: Joonie Jang.
Photography Assistant: Eduardo Silva.
Makeup Assistant: Jefferson Raposo Santiago.
Set Assistant: Max Pavlichenko.
Production Director: Alexandra Weiss.
Photo Producer: Georgia Ford.
